Norway, douze points (or maybe not)

In which the British contingency of Save All Your Bobbysocks For Me considers the songs on offer in Norway’s Melodi Grand Prix heat (final vote on 10th March). 

Enjoy.

Alejandro Fuentes

Tengo Otra

A handsome Pop Idol goon, which is pretty much all you need to know about this entry. Mid-paced anonymity, indistinguishable from a thousand other songs from handsome Pop Idol goons. Attempted a catchy hook with a ‘whoa-oh-oh’, but, really, not even evoking the half-arsed spirit of John Farnham (look him up, kids!) can save this boredom.  A bonus points for not singing in English (though, weirdly, singing in Spanish), but promptly removed on the gruesome discovery of a cover by Fuentes and a bunch of other Pop Idol goons of Leonard Cohen’s untouchable Hallelujah for an album. Fuentes, therefore, can get right to fuck. 0/10

Aleksander Wallmann

Talk to the Hand

Now, Wallman here seems like a decent sort. He released a song in the wake of the 2011 racist attacks in Norway, and donated the money from sales to the Norwegian Red Cross and the Utøya Foundation. However, Talk to the Hand is not only a terribly-titled song, using the most witless phrase in the English language, but he backs it up with a song that is its equal in the wit stakes. Nothing of interest here. You don’t need to see his identification. You can go about your business. Move along, there.

Alexander Rybak

That’s How You Write A Song

The 2009 conqueror of Moscow, the hero of Norway, the marvel from Minsk, the Soviet seducer of susceptible spouses, the Gunga Din with the violin, the loveable ace with the man-boy face, the waistcoat-wearing, record-breaking points-hording, Eurovision-chomping, fairytale-loving Alexander Rybak returns for another crack for Europe’s greatest prize. With That’s How You Write a Song, Rybak taunts his recent predecessors after their dismal Eurovision offerings. But in …Song, the Norwegian-Belarussian lacks the charm or the originality of Fairytale, returning instead with a plodding slice of funky stodge, complete with some ill-advised scatmanning. This might do well, though: the Norse love for Rybak could well propel this into the finals.

Charla K

Stop the Music

Unlike most of Norway’s 2018 offerings, Stop the Music wouldn’t be out of place in the UK Top 40. Which is not necessarily a good thing, as Eurovision should be/is so much more spectacle than a merely good pop song. Sentimentally uplifting lyrics, a catchy refrain, decent chorus…so far, so standard. Saying that, if last year’s Eurovision blandness is anything to go by, this will do well. The most interesting thing about Charla here is that her song is co-written by former Roxette frontman Per Håkan Gessle. Now, imagine Joyride in Eurovision – Hello Europe. You fools. I love you! Awesome.

Ida Maria

Scandilove

Hey, now we’re talking. This is a ridiculous song – ‘can you make love like a Scandinavian?’ ALL NIGHT LONG. ‘Swim in the ocean, feel the emotion, coz it’s fucking frrrreezing’. This 3 minute gem is full of nonsensical fun that bounces about like a millennial ball of self-aware hormones making London’s hipsters swoon at its effortless Scandinavian cool. I could imagine this one rocking Eurovision, making everyone watching recall fondly that time when in a fleeting moment a beautiful Scandi brushed aside their clumsy attempts at flirtation, and they watched in contemplative awe as their Nordic desire sasheyed away from their lives forever. No? Oh, just me, then. Anyway, I could get right behind this song. No, not like that.

NICOLINE

Light Me Up

Light Me Up is 12 months too late. This would have been maybe a top 10 finish in the 2017 Eurovision, sounding like a slightly better version of the identikits that snotted up the last year's finals. That’s probably the nicest thing I can say about this. Not really good, not really bad, just…meh. It might do well in the Norwegian heats, but it certainly doesn’t deserve to.

Rebecca

Who We Are

Here’s the obligatory ballad. Piano intro, stirring strings, soaring chorus, ‘relationship’ lyrics, big drums. Repeat twice, middle eight, MASSIVE final chorus (probably with fireworks or something, I dunno). Again, fairly standard Eurovision fair, which means it could do quite well. This is the kind of phoney that Holden Caulfield warned us about.

Stella and Alexandra

You Got Me

I like this. Catchy, uptempo…like a sherbet-popping child of Bucks Fizz and Arctic Monkeys, which is exactly what 2018 needs. Apart from the glorious silly Scandilove, this is the catchiest and most uplifting song in the heats. And just what the competition needs after so many faux-sincere albatrosses. Probably won’t go anywhere, though, because people seem to like faux-sincere albatrosses.

Tom Hugo

I Like I Like I Like

Oh sweet baby Jesus no. Just…no. Stop it, Tom. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP. I need to go listen to some Joy Division.

Vidar Villa

Moren din

Basically a reworking of the brilliant Little Talks by Iceland folksters Of Monsters and Men, complete with jumping horns that fly above a beat that skips along to its own joy. Little Talks is utterly excellent, so Moren din can’t go much wrong (Moren din? Something about fancying somebody’s mother? Need a Norwegian to translate that for me). And sung in Norwegian, too, which always gets extra points in my book. I like this, but only because I love Little Talks, and imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery.

But, well, why settle for imitation, really...