Eurovision, hallelujah

In the long tradition of eccentric weirdness in Eurovision, this year's crown probably goes to Ivan, Belarus' 2016 entry.

In earlier rounds of the contest he sang his entry, Learn to Fly, naked, with wolves. Yep, with wolves. Wolves that quite often would take a quick nip at the loon.

Of course, taking the fun out of life since forever, health and safety guidelines stipulate that no live animals are allowed on stage, circa Eurovision rule 1.2.2a. So we're definitely not going to see any live wolves stalking the Eurovision stage in Stockholm.

Boooo.

Sadly, the lumpen song doesn't quite match the thrill of being eaten alive by a wolf. Also, 'Learning to Fly'? If your whole schtick is that you're some kind of wolfman, friend of the wolves, then surely your song should be more canine, something like 'Learning to Run', or 'Learning to Howl', or 'Learning to be Reintroduced to Scotland to Scare the Bejeesus out of Some Poor Walkers Sometime Pretty Soon' (Note: Everyone seems to agree that reintroducing wolves to Scotland is a 'good thing'. But I like being the top of the food chain in the UK. We are voluntarily ceding our place as kings of the country. Has nobody stopped to think about that, eh? No. They haven't.)




Anyhow, let's have a look at a few of my favourite more eccentric offerings from Eurovision over the years.

2008. Dustin the Turkey (Ireland) - Irelande Douze Pointe

Of course, we must start with Ireland's brilliantly subversive 2008 offering from Dustin the Turkey, Irelande Douze Pointe - the year the good people of Ireland just threw up their hands and said 'Bugger Eurovision. This is amazing.' (Full lyrics here)

Sadly, Europe didn't agree, and Dustin never made it out of the semi finals, but his song will always be one of my absolute favourites - 'Give us another chance. We're sorry for Riverdance. Michael Flatley, he's a yank. The Danube flows through France.'

Quite rightly, Dustin the Turkey is a UNICEF ambassador. Go figure.





1980, Telex (Belgium) - Euro-vision

One for the kids here. Although I don't remember this next song, being aged one as I was, it's in Eurovision folklore, not least because it's the first Eurovision song to namecheck the contest itself.

Euro-Vision was performed by po-faced Belgian band Telex, rocking a sort of Eurovision-friendly Kraftwerk. The whole song is a send-up of Eurovision, which itself is novel, post-irony not really having been invented in 1980. The performance is relentlessly and purposelessly dull, the main singer clearly recognising Eurovision for the nonsense it is, standing as a contrast to the standard shiny teeth-tastic Eurovision cheesefest, although the synchronised swaying of Telex is mesmeric. The song itself is quite catchy, but quite why they didn't somehow weave into the song the sound of a telex printer crunching out a witty Eurovision message is unknown. Definite trick missed, there.

They came second last in the finals (no semi-finals in those days), the band explaining 'We had hoped to finish last, but Portugal decided otherwise. We got ten points from them and finished on the 19th spot.’

My hat off to you, sir.



1998, Guildo Horn (Germany) - Guildo Hat Euch Liebe

Next up, the balding menace of Guildo Horn, Germany's 1998 entry, Guildo hat euch lieb (Guildo Loves You).

Prancing around like your ale-bothering uncle at a wedding, Guildo attempts to tunelessly seduce Europe with some stage managed 'chaos'. Off he goes into the audience (wild!), jumps back on stage to play with his bells (mad!) before back into the crowd with a wild abandon (crazy!). And then, oh my god, there he goes, climbing the furniture, hanging from the rafters like a gurning King King, if King Kong played in a 1970s prog rock pub band, the glare from his bald spot blinding the audience.

Amazingly, Guildo finished a commendable 9th in 1998, proving, as if proof were needed, that all laws - music, style, performance - are suspended in the Eurovision bubble.




2006, LT United (Lithuania) - We Are the Winners of Eurovision

I absolutely loved Lithuania's extraordinary postmodern entry into the 2006 Eurovision: LT United, with We Are the Winners of Eurovision.

A basic song, with a not so subtle message repeated throughout. Yeah, so far, so fairly original.

But, of course, a song structured like that is going to fall a bit flat without something spectacular. They needed something to put in the middle eight, and you can almost imagine the production meeting from when they were coming up with the song:

'Ok guys. It's basically the same chant over and over, which is great and all, but I'm worried about the bit in the middle where nobody sings. It could all get a bit flat. Suggestions?'

Everyone chews their pens looking thoughtfully, until suddenly someone hesitantly raises their hand. 'How about we just put a little bald guy on the end of the line, who does nothing all song, then during the dull bit he steps forward and dances like a fucking maniac for 30 seconds or so while a guy with a violin squeals at the audience. Then he can just do a brilliant Python-style walk back to his place, and the song just carries on as if nothing weird just happened.'

And lo, it came to pass. Lordii won in 2006, of course, but brilliantly the ghoul rockers played their rocking version of We Are the Winners at the Eurovision afterparty. I would pay a good few sheckles to have been there for that.

Lithuania finished a commendable 6th with this effort.




2013, Igranka (Montenegro) - Who See

So, because I love all things space, a special mention to Montenegro's 2013 entry, Who See, a sort of hip hop/house hybrid, by trio Igranka.

Absolutely full marks firstly for singing in their own language (I only assume it's their language, mind. I can only be sure that it ain't English), but bonus points for the two blokes spending the entire performance in a pretty convincing NASA spacesuits (complete with Montenegro flag patch on the arm, of course). Add in the female vocalist wearing a Borg-like head piece and a see-through proton pack, and it turned into an almighty psychedelic space rave.

The rapping is pretty bobbins, but when the Borg takes over vocal duties, erupting onto the stage like a goddamn Apollo rocket, the song explodes into the stars, and the two blokes have nothing left to do except lurch around wonderfully like they were on the bloody moon. Superb.

They finished 12th in 2013, which rightly represents Montenegro's highest ever Eurovision finish.



2007, Verka Serduchka (Austria) - Dancing Lasha Tumbai

One of Ida's favourites here, and included simply for it's sheer nuttery, brilliance, enthusiasm, flippancy and...Eurovisiony exuberance. It Austria's 2007 entry, Dancing Lasha Tumbai, by Verka Serduchka.

There's too much awesome in these three minutes to  possibly fit in here: the unashamedly spangly outfits; that star on her head; the subtle weaving of traditional germanic accordion folkmusic (ha!) to uproarious disco; the cross-generations all squeezed into sequins, the number 69 (of course) gleaming proudly on the back of Verka's top, the heroic, gender-bending backing dancers, and everything switched up to 11 - if all Eurovision entries had the same sprawling ambition and infinite vision as Dancing Lasha Tumbai, the competition would eat the world.

Scandalously, this only finished second in 2007. SECOND! And you know what to? No? Exactly!

I wish Verka was my grandma. Or grandpa. I'm easy, you know?



As an aside, Verka and Dancing Lasha Tumbai make a very funny cameo in the the 2015 film, Spy. 




2006, Lordi (Finland) - Hard Rock Hallelujah

Finally, the grandaddy of entries. When glorious eccentricity, outlandish outfits, targeted pyrotechnics, and an absolutely cracking song all combine to create the perfect storm of Eurovision brilliant oddity - of course, it's Lordi, with Finland's 2006 entry, Hard Rock Hallelujah.

No more to be said. To me, this will never, ever be beaten in the annals of Eurovision. Lordi can take their rightful place on the Eurovision royal throne next to Abba, Johnny Logan, Diva International, Conchita Wurst, Bucks Fizz and the rest.

I bow down, as ever, to Lordi. Hallelujah, indeed.