Wednesday 14 February 2018

BB can't C

Last week, SuRie won the Uk's Eurovision You Decide song contest, and will be representing the UK at Eurovision in Lisbon in May.

It's a ho-hum song, out of a pretty uninspiring field. Out of the six songs on offer, I think only Asanda had the potential to make any real impression in the sprawling musical theatre of the Eurovision final.





But whatever. The Uk has spoken...will of the people and all that.


Now, the BBC announced that, for the first time, for the UK finals they would be using the new voting formula that was unveiled by the proper Eurovision competition in 2016 - adding up the jury votes, then assigning points to the artists according to public votes. Both votes - jury and public - each have a 50% weight. A full and simple breakdown of how this new system works can be found here.

But don't take our word for it. This is from the BBC's own website on voting format:


Following the introduction of a revised scoring system in the ESC Final in 2016, the importance of an entry being able to impress both the voting public AND expert juries has become more explicit and by using both in our national selection we are recognising that fact.


Our public vote and our jury vote both take place immediately after all 6 songs have been performed in the live TV show and we do not reveal the result of the jury vote prior to the public vote, or vice versa. It is important that neither vote influences the other - just as in the ESC.

Once both votes are complete and verified, they will each reveal a ranking of the 6 songs from 1st to 6th. The rankings will then be used to award points from 6 (1st position) to 1 (6th position) for each vote.


The points each song has been awarded by both votes are then added together. The song with the highest combined total of points will be declared the winner. In the event of a tie break for first position, the song which received more points in the public vote will be declared the winner.


As happened with the ESC Final in 2016, a win of only the jury vote or only the public vote doesn't guarantee an overall win. The song that will win, is the one that performs best across BOTH the public and jury vote, so the artists need to impress both the jury AND the public as their votes have equal weighting – apart from the tie-break situation where the public vote is the decider.



So, because I'm a stats geek, I am really interested in how the votes for the UK heats broke down - who the judges liked best, who the public preferred, and how these two votes tallied to contribute to the final results.

And here's the rub. We simply don't know the final results. We know who won, because SuRie was announced. But that's all we know. We don't know who came second, how many points SuRie won, how many people voted for her...nothing. The BBC hasn't released a full breakdown. They simply announced, on air, who had won.


Now that's just not on.

When the public voted either by text or phone, they were charged 15p by the BBC (on top of whatever cost your network provider charges).

I think it's only fair that we know exactly where the votes that we paid for went. The BBC's own phone-in voting guidelines, states:


One result, the winner, was half reported to the paying audience. And the there is absolutely no evidence that the vote 'fairly and accurately reflects the opinion of the voting audience'. I'm not saying that it doesn't, but it'd be nice to know.


To that end, I've submitted a freedom of information request to the BBC, as a public body, for a full breakdown of the results:





Will keep you posted.




Friday 26 January 2018

Britain's Got Talent.. Or do they...?!

There are six acts competing to represent UK in the Eurovision finals in Portugal this year. They will battle it out Live on stage (and TV I presume) on February 7th.


Asanda  

Legends 

 Like about half of the Eurovision contestants the last ten years, 16 year old Asanda hails from the world of televised talent competitions. More precisely, Britain's Got Talent, where she made it to the final.


-  I'm not hating this song. It's kind of monotonous in the verses, but has a really nice danceable beat after what I can only describe a a very bridgey chorus build up. I'm really hoping for some cool choreography in the live performance. Early favourite..



Goldstone 

I Feel The Love

This girl group is made up of Aimie Atkinson, Helen Wint and Rhiannon Porter. Both Aimie and Rhiannon have backgrounds in musical theatre, like a few of this years British hopefuls. Maybe because of last years winner, Lucie Jones' smash success (in UK Eurovision standards...) The girls says their song "makes you feel positive about the world" with its message of "love don't hate". Eh..OK.



- What's up with this half rap thing?? This song sucks.. awful chorus. It actually makes me feel like I hate the world a little bit..The build up to the chorus reminds me of Jesse J's bang bang song, only a lot more tame, and as I said, what it builds up to is just sad. Good singers, by all means, but this is a song contest isn't it?!? I'm gonna have to find something else to love, cause it ain't this song. Cliché O'rama. Next please!


Liam Tamne

Astronaut

Hahahaha:) Hilarious! His last name is soooo close to a description of this assembly of songs as a whole. Liam also has a background in both musicals and The Voice. A double threat there then...:P



- I really don't buy the premise of this song.. I mean, who the hell wants an astronaut?? I bet they're away A LOT. And you probably can't go with them neither, like he's claiming here.. And If I can't call my sailor boyfriend when he's on a ship on planet earth, you probably can't call you astronaut when you need him neither!:P But looking past the somewhat strange metaphors (and several of the song writers here are Danish, something that might explain that..), it's actually quite a nice melody. I really don't like ballads in Eurovision, though, so to be perfectly honest, I hope Liam doesn't win. 



RAYA 

Crazy 


Raya is a singer, dancer and DJ who has, among other things (I hope..), danced for Little Mix. This song is partially written by Greta Salome Stefansdottir, who has represented Iceland twice at Eurovision.



- Feeling a little bit of anticipation here. Nice build up to the chorus, but then it kind of flattens out.. Very anti climactic.. Listening to this song reminds me of the feeling I had when I heard "Icebreaker", the Norwegian entry in 2016. Not liking this all that much.. Maybe if she throws in some hefty dance moves in her stage performance..For some reason I'm picturing this performance with her singing from behind a DJ booth with earphones halfway on. If that happens I'm throwing something at the TV. Just saying..



SuRie 

Storm

Susanna, aka SuRie is a graduate of the Royal Academy of Music. She's been a backing singer in two previous Eurovisions. (And she has inherited Dame Helen Mirren's hair from 2016..)



-Oh hell no!! These lyrics makes me want to throw up in my mouth! Every God damn sentence is so yucky cliché I seriously feel physically ill. Nobody should use the phrase "chasing rainbows" ever, EVER again! Somebody should slap these song writers. HARD! And the sad attempt of making this song current with a splash of EDM only underscores the awful, awful lyrics. Bye, Bye SuRie.



Jaz Ellington

You 

This guy has also been a contestant on The Voice, where he reached the semi-finals.



- Oh this song is nice. Well up until the chorus at least... The verses are really nice. I'm loving this guys voice. If we could just cut the chorus out, all together, I would listen to this all day long. However..This is not I repeat NOT a Eurovision song! There are music genres that just does not belong in the glittery camp-fest that is Eurovision, and soul most definitely is one of them.


Ok. So Asanda for the win. Not thinking this will shake the music world to it's core, but I've heard worse from you UK, far far worse.

Sunday 21 January 2018

Norway, douze points (or maybe not)

In which the British contingency of Save All Your Bobbysocks For Me considers the songs on offer in Norway’s Melodi Grand Prix heat (final vote on 10th March). 


Enjoy.

Alejandro Fuentes
Tengo Otra



A handsome Pop Idol goon, which is pretty much all you need to know about this entry. Mid-paced anonymity, indistinguishable from a thousand other songs from handsome Pop Idol goons. Attempted a catchy hook with a ‘whoa-oh-oh’, but, really, not even evoking the half-arsed spirit of John Farnham (look him up, kids!) can save this boredom.  A bonus points for not singing in English (though, weirdly, singing in Spanish), but promptly removed on the gruesome discovery of a cover by Fuentes and a bunch of other Pop Idol goons of Leonard Cohen’s untouchable Hallelujah for an album. Fuentes, therefore, can get right to fuck. 0/10


Aleksander Wallmann
Talk to the Hand



Now, Wallman here seems like a decent sort. He released a song in the wake of the 2011 racist attacks in Norway, and donated the money from sales to the Norwegian Red Cross and the Utøya Foundation. However, Talk to the Hand is not only a terribly-titled song, using the most witless phrase in the English language, but he backs it up with a song that is its equal in the wit stakes. Nothing of interest here. You don’t need to see his identification. You can go about your business. Move along, there.


Alexander Rybak
That’s How You Write A Song


The 2009 conqueror of Moscow, the hero of Norway, the marvel from Minsk, the Soviet seducer of susceptible spouses, the Gunga Din with the violin, the loveable ace with the man-boy face, the waistcoat-wearing, record-breaking points-hording, Eurovision-chomping, fairytale-loving Alexander Rybak returns for another crack for Europe’s greatest prize. With That’s How You Write a Song, Rybak taunts his recent predecessors after their dismal Eurovision offerings. But in …Song, the Norwegian-Belarussian lacks the charm or the originality of Fairytale, returning instead with a plodding slice of funky stodge, complete with some ill-advised scatmanning. This might do well, though: the Norse love for Rybak could well propel this into the finals.


Charla K
Stop the Music



Unlike most of Norway’s 2018 offerings, Stop the Music wouldn’t be out of place in the UK Top 40. Which is not necessarily a good thing, as Eurovision should be/is so much more spectacle than a merely good pop song. Sentimentally uplifting lyrics, a catchy refrain, decent chorus…so far, so standard. Saying that, if last year’s Eurovision blandness is anything to go by, this will do well. The most interesting thing about Charla here is that her song is co-written by former Roxette frontman Per Håkan Gessle. Now, imagine Joyride in Eurovision – Hello Europe. You fools. I love you! Awesome.


Ida Maria
Scandilove



Hey, now we’re talking. This is a ridiculous song – ‘can you make love like a Scandinavian?’ ALL NIGHT LONG. ‘Swim in the ocean, feel the emotion, coz it’s fucking frrrreezing’. This 3 minute gem is full of nonsensical fun that bounces about like a millennial ball of self-aware hormones making London’s hipsters swoon at its effortless Scandinavian cool. I could imagine this one rocking Eurovision, making everyone watching recall fondly that time when in a fleeting moment a beautiful Scandi brushed aside their clumsy attempts at flirtation, and they watched in contemplative awe as their Nordic desire sasheyed away from their lives forever. No? Oh, just me, then. Anyway, I could get right behind this song. No, not like that.


NICOLINE
Light Me Up



Light Me Up is 12 months too late. This would have been maybe a top 10 finish in the 2017 Eurovision, sounding like a slightly better version of the identikits that snotted up the last year's finals. That’s probably the nicest thing I can say about this. Not really good, not really bad, just…meh. It might do well in the Norwegian heats, but it certainly doesn’t deserve to.


Rebecca
Who We Are



Here’s the obligatory ballad. Piano intro, stirring strings, soaring chorus, ‘relationship’ lyrics, big drums. Repeat twice, middle eight, MASSIVE final chorus (probably with fireworks or something, I dunno). Again, fairly standard Eurovision fair, which means it could do quite well. This is the kind of phoney that Holden Caulfield warned us about.


Stella and Alexandra
You Got Me



I like this. Catchy, uptempo…like a sherbet-popping child of Bucks Fizz and Arctic Monkeys, which is exactly what 2018 needs. Apart from the glorious silly Scandilove, this is the catchiest and most uplifting song in the heats. And just what the competition needs after so many faux-sincere albatrosses. Probably won’t go anywhere, though, because people seem to like faux-sincere albatrosses.

Tom Hugo
I Like I Like I Like



Oh sweet baby Jesus no. Just…no. Stop it, Tom. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP. I need to go listen to some Joy Division.


Vidar Villa
Moren din



Basically a reworking of the brilliant Little Talks by Iceland folksters Of Monsters and Men, complete with jumping horns that fly above a beat that skips along to its own joy. Little Talks is utterly excellent, so Moren din can’t go much wrong (Moren din? Something about fancying somebody’s mother? Need a Norwegian to translate that for me). And sung in Norwegian, too, which always gets extra points in my book. I like this, but only because I love Little Talks, and imitation is the most sincerest form of flattery.

But, well, why settle for imitation, really...